Understanding Engineers (a.k.a. "Jokes")

An Engineer's Guide to CatsGranny D's EscapeThe Knack

How can you tell that an engineer is an extrovert?   When he talks to you he looks at YOUR shoes.
(Thanks to Greg, son of a Boeing engineer; Paul "Mr. Six Sigma" / Systems Analyst Extraordinaire; Bryan "Recovered Engineer"; and others)

So, this guy is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He shouts out to him,  "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says; "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, vectored over me at 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in engineering," calls the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man, "How did you know?"
"Hell," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's absolutely useless to anyone!"
The man  below says, "You must be a manager!"
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Hell," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're  going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in exactly the same  position you were in before we met, but now somehow it's my fault!"

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get that great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.' " The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
The engineer bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."